later on...

I have so many things going on in my head right now and I cannot seem to put them into words. The words seem to diminish them. It makes it all feel meaningless. Without a place to put them I feel lost. I can't write them. No one wants to hear them. What do I do with them?

All these things going on inside me makes me realize how much I keep inside. How when something really matters I don't speak it. I hold it inside. I hide it for fear of the reaction I'll get from others. Instead I make something else up. Tell them anything but the truth because I'm afraid my feelings will embarass me or give me away somehow.

Afraid that people will know what it is I want. Afraid that if they knew they would stop me from having what I want or tell me how stupid it is. Afraid that my feelings or thoughts or ideas will be met with indifference.

I can't bear to think of how many things I lost because I kept stuff inside. People, opportunities...all gone. Forever.

Some I'm not sure I can live with losing. And some I'm not sure that me having been honest would have made a difference.

It seems all I do lately is look at the past. I can't see much hope in the future. All I see is all my mistakes. Mistakes that it's too late to fix. How do you go on when you've made so many mistakes? How do I know that it's not too late?